Don't Ask Alice Read online

  ‘Sure. Thanks, Alice.’

  Alice got up and made a big production of flicking the switch.

  ‘Doesn’t seem to be working,’ she said.

  Now Linda sat up.

  ‘Probably just the bulb.’

  Alice ran into the kitchen and loudly flicked the lights.

  ‘No, they’re all broken.’

  Now Linda stood up.

  ‘Oh well,’ she said. ‘It’s too late to get the lights fixed tonight. It’ll be fun sitting here by candlelight. Where does your mum keep the candles, Megan?’

  Alice poked me hard in the ribs.

  ‘Er, em, we don’t have any candles,’ I said. ‘Mum em… she…’

  Alice dived in.

  ‘Megan’s mum thinks candles are a fire hazard. She doesn’t allow them in the house.’

  Linda made a face.

  ‘That does sound like Sheila. But what will we do, Megan? I don’t fancy a whole night in the dark. Do you know the name of your electrician? Do you think he’d come out at night?’

  Alice grinned at her.

  ‘You don’t need an electrician. I’ll get my dad. He’s brilliant at stuff like this.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ asked Linda. ‘I wouldn’t like to bother him.’

  Alice nodded.

  ‘Sure I’m sure. He’s very kind-hearted. He’d love to help.’

  Minutes later Peter was at the door. It took him about three seconds to figure out that the fuse switch had tripped. He flicked it back, and the house lit up instantly. Linda clapped her hands like Peter had just performed a magic trick.

  Peter looked puzzled.

  ‘That really shouldn’t happen,’ he said. ‘But call me if the lights go out again.’

  Linda smiled at him.

  ‘Thank you so, so much. I don’t know what we’d have done without you.’

  Peter smiled back at her.

  ‘Don’t mention it,’ he said.

  Then he went back home, whistling as he went.

  ‘What a nice, helpful man,’ Linda said as she closed the front door.

  Alice smiled as she whispered in my ear.

  ‘Did you hear that? She said he was nice. And did you hear Dad whistling? He only whistles when he’s really happy. I think they like each other. We’re halfway there. I’m looking forward to tomorrow already.’

  I wanted to know what she had planned, but at the same time, I didn’t want to know. It didn’t matter anyway, as it didn’t look like she was going to tell me.

  Alice went towards the door.

  ‘Time I went home,’ she said. ‘Get a good night’s sleep, Meg. You’re going to need it. Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day.’

  Chapter fourteen

  Next morning Alice arrived early. She came into my bedroom and kind of fizzed around the place, picking things up and putting them down in the wrong places – stuff like that. I’d made up my mind to be tough, so as soon as she sat down I said the words I’d been practising in my head.

  ‘Tell me your plan or I won’t help you.’

  Alice laughed.

  ‘OK. OK.’

  I was surprised.

  ‘You mean just like that? You’re not even going to argue with me?’

  Alice shrugged.

  ‘Argue? Me?’

  I had to laugh at her as she continued.

  ‘It’s no biggie anyway. We’re just going to plan a romantic dinner date for Dad and Linda. It’ll be perfect. It’ll—’

  I interrupted her.

  ‘How exactly are you going to set that up? Are you going to get into their minds? Are you going to magically persuade Peter to ask Linda out? Are you going to magically persuade her to accept? Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think you’re going to pull this off.’

  Alice made a pouty face.

  ‘Of course I’ll pull this off. Have I ever failed before?’

  Hello?

  Had Alice’s memory just evaporated?

  What about the disaster with Miss O’Herlihy?

  What about mid-term when she tried to get rid of her mum’s boyfriend who turned out not to be a boyfriend anyway?

  What about the time Alice hid under my bed for days on end?

  It didn’t seem fair to remind her of all this stuff, so I just avoided the issue.

  ‘Anyway,’ I said, ‘Linda can’t go out on a romantic dinner date. She might ignore most of Mum’s rules and regulations, but she won’t go out and leave Rosie and me here on our own. Mum would surely hear about it, and she’d never forgive her. Ever.’

  Alice grinned.

  ‘Don’t worry. I’ve thought of that. I’ve thought of everything. The romantic date is going to be here.’

  ‘But how…?’

  Alice waved her hand in the air.

  ‘I’ll tell you later. For now, all we have to do is convince Linda that you and I should cook dinner tonight.’

  As she spoke, she set off into the kitchen, dragging me behind her. Linda was busy pouring brightly-coloured cereal into a bowl for Rosie. Rosie was smiling so much it looked like her face was going to burst.

  ‘Look, Megan,’ she said, ‘Linda’s nice. No yucky porridge.’

  Linda made a face at me.

  ‘I won’t tell your mum if you don’t.’

  I laughed.

  ‘It can be our little secret.’

  Alice nudged me, so I continued.

  ‘Er…Linda?’

  Linda looked up.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘How about if Alice and I cook dinner tonight?’

  Linda shrugged.

  ‘Why would you want to do that?’

  Alice piped up.

  ‘It’s a project we have to do ….. for Guides.’

  Linda looked surprised.

  ‘I didn’t know you went to Guides, Megan,’ she said.

  (Maybe that’s because I don’t.)

  I smiled and tried to think of an answer that wasn’t the truth, but wasn’t a lie either.

  ‘Well, Mum thinks Guides are good. She thinks Guides do lots of helpful environmental stuff.’

  This was kind of true. I’d never exactly heard Mum say that, but I bet it’s what she thinks.

  Linda smiled.

  ‘Well, I don’t see why you can’t cook dinner. Otherwise we would have been ordering another takeaway.’

  I felt like crying. I love takeaway food, and Mum never lets us get it. Did Alice have any idea what I was giving up for her?

  Linda continued,

  ‘What are you going to cook?’

  I looked desperately at Alice who was playing with Rosie and didn’t see me.

  ‘Er… em… it’s a surprise,’ I muttered.

  Linda laughed.

  ‘Good. I just love surprises.’

  I smiled weakly. After tonight Linda might not love surprises quite so much.

  Then Alice grabbed me by the arm and dragged me next door to her house. I was starting to worry that by the end of the weekend, one of my arms was going to be a few centimetres longer than the other.

  Peter was in the family room watching TV.

  Alice went and sat on the edge of his chair.

  ‘Great news, Dad,’ she said. ‘Linda has invited you to dinner.’

  Peter looked up at her.

  ‘Linda who?’

  Alice poked him in the shoulder.

  ‘You know – Linda, Megan’s aunt. She’d like you to come to dinner in their house tonight.’

  Now Peter looked puzzled.

  ‘Why would she want that?’

  It was time for my line.

  ‘She just wants to thank you for helping her with the lights last night.’

  Peter laughed.

  ‘I only flicked a switch. That hardly deserves a dinner invitation.’

  ‘Well,’ said Alice. ‘Linda’s very… she’s very… what is she Megan?’

  ‘Er, she’s … very… she’s very spontaneous.’

  Peter still didn’t look convinced.<
br />
  ‘Who else is going?’

  ‘Well, Megan, and me and Rosie,’ said Alice.

  Peter shook his head.

  ‘I don’t know really. I…’

  Alice smiled at him.

  ‘I thought you’d be glad not to be eating pizza again, so I’ve already said you’ll go. Eight o’clock. OK?’

  Peter put his hands up in surrender.

  ‘OK. OK. I give up. A nice dinner would be a pleasant change. I’ll be there. Now be quiet and let me watch this match.’

  * * *

  Half an hour later Alice and I were on the way to the shop with the money Linda had given us.

  ‘What are we going to cook?’ I asked. ‘I only know how to make stew, and that’s not very romantic, is it?’

  Alice shook her head.

  ‘No way. No stew.’

  ‘What about those noodle things you ate when you were hiding in my room?’ I suggested. ‘We’d only have to boil the kettle and they’d be ready.’

  Alice shook her head even more quickly.

  ‘Absolutely no way. Those noodles were totally gross.’

  I was getting a bit fed up.

  ‘What do you suggest then?’ I asked. ‘Since you’re so clever.’

  Alice stopped walking and looked at me.

  ‘There’s loads of lettuce in your garden isn’t there?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Our garden has more lettuce than grass.’

  ‘OK. So, salad to start, then lasagne for main course – we can buy it ready made, so no cooking. And then ice cream for dessert. And if we’ve enough money left, a nice bottle of champagne to finish it all off. Easy-peasy.’

  I still wasn’t happy.

  ‘OK,’ I said. ‘So the food is sorted, but we still have one very big problem. What’s Linda going to say when Peter shows up for dinner, and she hasn’t even invited him?’

  Alice grinned at me.

  ‘Nothing,’ she said.

  I was sorry I was too mature to stamp my foot.

  ‘What do you mean “nothing”? Do you think Linda is going to somehow forget that she hasn’t invited him?’

  Alice laughed.

  ‘Of course not. She’ll know perfectly well that she hasn’t invited him. But she’s an adult. She’s got to be polite. Can you really imagine her saying – “What are you doing here? – Go home – You’re not invited”?’

  I giggled.

  ‘I can’t see Linda saying that.’

  ‘Well then, we’re sorted. Aren’t we? Later she can ask you what’s going on, but she can’t say anything to Dad tonight – not while he’s still here. She’ll just have to play along. And we only need this to work for one night. Mum will find out that Dad was here on a romantic date, and then everything will change.’

  ‘But what if your mum doesn’t find out?’

  Even as I said the words, I knew the answer. Alice was going to make very sure that her mum found out – after all, that was the whole idea, and Alice wasn’t going to leave anything to chance.

  I didn’t argue any more. There wasn’t any point. But by now I’d had far too much experience of Alice’s clever plans. I was fairly sure that this plan was going to end up like all of the others – a total mess.

  I decided I’d just better stick around to make sure that no one got killed.

  Chapter fifteen

  The girl at the checkout in the supermarket was very nice, but no matter how much Alice begged her, she wouldn’t let us buy a bottle of champagne.

  ‘Sorry, girls,’ she said. ‘I didn’t come down in the last shower of rain, so don’t even try to pretend that you’re eighteen.’

  Alice and I spoke together.

  ‘It’s for my dad.’

  ‘It’s for my aunt.’

  The girl laughed.

  ‘Here’s a little bit of advice girls – next time, at least try to get your stories straight.’

  Alice protested.

  ‘But it is for my dad and her aunt. It’s for both of them. They’re…well… what I mean is…’

  The girl took the champagne from the conveyer belt, and stood it on a shelf behind her.

  ‘Whatever. I don’t care if it’s for your granny and her pet elephant, just tell them if they want it, they’ll have to come here and get it for themselves. OK?’

  Even Alice didn’t dare to argue any more, so we just paid for the rest of the shopping and left the supermarket.

  We got back to my place and stashed all the food in the fridge. Then Alice took me next door to her house. She wouldn’t tell me why, of course, so I just followed her and waited to see what would happen.

  Alice rooted around in all the kitchen cupboards for ages, and at last she pulled out a bottle of champagne.

  ‘Ha!’ she said. ‘I knew that was in there somewhere.’

  ‘Are you going to just take it?’ I asked.

  She nodded.

  ‘Sure. We can’t buy any, and I think a romantic date needs champagne, don’t you?’

  I sighed. I’m only twelve, what am I meant to know about romantic dates?

  I tried again.

  ‘Surely your dad will notice the champagne is missing from his cupboard?’

  She shook her head.

  ‘Nah. It’s been there for years. Actually I think Dad gave it to Mum for her birthday a couple of years ago.’

  ‘Great,’ I said. ‘On your dad’s hot date he’s going to be drinking his wife’s bottle of champagne. Very romantic, I’m sure.’

  Alice put down the bottle and glared at me.

  ‘You’re right. It’s not really all that romantic, but this is an emergency.’

  ‘OK. OK,’ I said. ‘As long as you’re sure your dad won’t recognise it.’

  Alice laughed.

  ‘Don’t worry. Dad knows zero about champagne. He’ll have no idea, I promise. Now, you go and distract Linda, and I’ll hide this. Where would you think would be a good place?’

  I laughed.

  ‘How about in the fridge, under the huge bag of organic spinach? Linda definitely won’t look there.’

  * * *

  Later, when the champagne was safely hidden away, Linda took Alice, Rosie and me into town. She bought us all hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, and Rosie was so happy she couldn’t talk for about ten minutes. She just sat there sipping her drink and smiling like crazy.

  Then we went into Threads and Linda let us each pick out a t-shirt. We pretended to say ‘no thanks’ at first, but luckily Linda insisted.

  ‘I got a pay-rise last week,’ she said. ‘And I have to spend it on something.’

  I sighed. I love my mum, but I wished she could be a bit more like her sister.

  * * *

  When we got home, I wanted to start getting the dinner ready. Alice wouldn’t let me though.

  ‘Jamie’s staying with Mum tonight,’ she said. ‘And I promised Dad I’d walk him over to her place.’

  Hmmm. How convenient, I thought.

  We collected Jamie from his dad’s house and took him around the corner to Veronica’s apartment. She asked us in, and I had no choice but to follow Alice inside.

  Alice didn’t waste any time. Before I’d even sat down, she said,

  ‘Guess what, Mum? Dad has a date tonight.’

  In films, when that kind of thing happens, the mum puts her head in her hands and sobs dramatically, saying stuff like – ‘How could he do this to me?’ and ‘But doesn’t he understand? I love him – I’ll always love him.’

  It looked like Veronica doesn’t watch the right films though. She actually laughed.

  ‘Your dad? A date? I don’t think so, Alice.’

  Alice got cross.

  ‘Why wouldn’t he have a date? He’s a very good-looking man. My teacher even said so.’

  I made a face at her. Our teacher had said a lot of stuff about Peter, but I’d never heard her say that he was good-looking.

  Veronica didn’t seem to wonder why Miss O’Herlihy wou
ld be saying anything at all about Peter.

  ‘Well, maybe your dad is good-looking – in his own way,’ she said. ‘But a date? He’s not really the type, is he?’

  Alice stamped her foot.

  ‘Well, maybe you don’t know him very well. He has a date. It’s with Megan’s aunt. They’re having a romantic dinner tonight. He’s really looking forward to it. In fact, he talked about nothing else all morning.’

  Veronica smiled.

  ‘Well, good luck to him,’ she said. ‘I hope he has a very nice time. Now, would any of you like something to drink?’

  Alice answered for me.

  ‘No. We’re fine. We have to go and… well, we just have to go. See you tomorrow.’

  When we were outside, I wasn’t sure what I felt. It didn’t sound like Veronica was very jealous, and if she wasn’t jealous, the whole plan was a waste of time before it even started.

  Maybe I could stop this before it went any further. I tried to sound casual.

  ‘Your mum didn’t seem very jealous, did she?’

  Alice shrugged.

  ‘Well, she wouldn’t would she? She can’t let on. She has to act cool in front of us. Inside I bet she’s really upset. She’ll think about Dad’s hot date all night, and tomorrow, when she hears what a success it was, she’ll go crazy – I know it. She’ll—’

  I interrupted her.

  ‘But what if tonight’s date isn’t a success, what then?’

  Alice marched on ahead.

  ‘We don’t have to worry about that. Tonight will be a success. I’ve decided. Now let’s get going. We’ve got a lot to do.’

  Chapter sixteen

  Next Alice insisted that we go back to her dad’s house. I was starting to feel dizzy from being in so many places.

  ‘Can’t we just go to my house?’ I suggested.

  ‘We will,’ said Alice. ‘In a minute. I need to get some stuff first.’

  ‘What stuff?’ I asked.

  But by now Alice was halfway up the stairs to her bedroom.

  ‘Just stuff,’ she said. ‘You’ll see.’

  When we got to her room, Alice took out her hair-straightener, and a big bag of clips and hair slides. Then she opened all her drawers and pulled out every piece of make-up she’d ever owned, and spread it all out on her bed.

  She gave a big sigh.